i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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