I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
