Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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