I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
