My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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