So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
