she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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