Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
