He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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