meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
