I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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