I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
