THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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