just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
