Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
