Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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