my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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