hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You dont lie about slip and slides
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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