so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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