New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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