Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
