i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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