dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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