Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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