Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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