I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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