I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When are your genitals available?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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