why didn't you poke me back
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The air taste purple.
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