mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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