i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
