You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
