I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
