Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
