Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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