Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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