That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
