The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
