i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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