It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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