my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
