I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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