Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You can't special order awesome
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
