I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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