Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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