a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
50% drunk capacity currently
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
