Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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