Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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