I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
