look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
