Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
